Confessions of a Naughty Mommy by Heidi Raykeil

Author:Heidi Raykeil
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Basic Books
Published: 2013-01-21T00:00:00+00:00

By the time we get inside and get our daughter settled, I can tell by the way my husband is looking at me that he wants more. I also know he is well aware I’m on my period, and the thought of coming inside me without a condom excites him; the mess is a small price to pay for penile freedom. What I really want is to just lie in bed and snuggle—to keep it innocent and free from the mess sex makes of us. But I can’t do it. Since I have even an inkling of sexual feeling, I tell myself I should take advantage of it. We undress and start coming together, but the dark room and the smell of alcohol on my husband’s breath begins to smother me. It reminds me of other youthful times when making out went too far, when it got scary and confusing, when I felt like sex wasn’t really something of mine but something only for me to give away, or for others to take.

“Open your eyes,” my husband says gently, breathing faster, close to coming. “I want to see you.” But I can’t open my eyes—if I do I won’t be able to lie. I don’t want him to see me now. I don’t want to open that door and be real with him. I’ve been hiding inside the cocoon I’ve made for myself over the past year. Caught up with my daughter’s needs, I haven’t been able to see how much I’m losing myself. It’s so much more than just my libido: I’ve lost perspective, I’ve lost touch with the person I was, and I’ve lost closeness and honesty with my husband. I was wrong; bad sex is not better than no sex, for either of us. It’s just plain bad; it’s disconnecting and destructive.

I need to find my way back to the good stuff, and I’m starting to get an idea of what it might take. Good sex needs to be about more than just simply opportunity or logistics, it has to. It needs to be more than hormones or raw lust or date night. It needs to be more than just charity. It starts with two people seeing each other in a real way, and each one saying to the other, You exist, and I see you. I see you, I see you, I see you, and I still love you anyway.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.